i found this

4/6/2009 Randy "American Standard, Crimson Transparent" C. says:

I was a late bloomer. Like around 45. When I realized what all this BS was really about. Which is nothing. There is no Yelp, Money, Toys or Sex after death. Just the experiences of friends, family and loved ones you carry with you in your heart of hearts to the grave and beyond. The only way to live forever is through the way you touch peoples lives while you are here - and they then carry those memories with them. Am I deep or what?

dreaming.

today i woke up and my mind was racing. I was buzzing from the dream i had just had. But thats nothing new, because i love dreaming.
it seems that the places i go in my dreams, are the places ive been to when i was younger. Theyre my collected memories of my childhood and my time spent on this earth
and i find that so magical. I had a dream that i was driving along this path with my family, sitting on the backseat of my dads 4 wheels tricycle, i looked out and i felt like i could recognize the place but i couldnt put my finger on where and what these places were
in my dream, i suddenly shouted 'we've been here before! this is my dream but i know that we've been here before! the next block is dad's friends house!' i was somehow really excited inside, i had a feeling that i couldnt put my finger on it. i dont know what it was but it made me happy
although when we pulled up to the side of the road, the area where dad's friends house once stood was empty and filled with blocks of concrete and bricks.
weird.

i dont remember how old i was when i first saw you since i was so young, but strangely enough, i remember exactly what you looked like. how you staggered towards me, whimpering with fear. You were a cross between a dalmatian and a stray and i remember thinking how funny you looked because you were so, so spotty and you had a really big belly that pokes out really far. I loved how when we throw food towards you, you would jump and catch it through mid air. how you'd get so excited whenever you see us that you ended up hurting us by jumping at us and scratching us in the process. How you would chase our cars whenever we leave our house. How you talk in your sleep and how everyone loves you because you are such a kind, smart and amazing dog. I would never forget the day we had to leave you in Thailand when we left for england. It was so painful to see you chasing after us for the last time, seeing that look of hope on your face, thinking that we'd probably return in an hour or two. I couldnt stop crying. When we returned to Thailand 5 years later, you were still there, i wasnt sure if you actually remembered us, but seeing you again was enough to make me happy. To me, you were still the same Monty that i grew up with, the same Monty that I love. I still cant believe you have been gone for two years. Its been two years but i still cant stop crying about you, whcih is what im doing right now. I regret not seeing you in your last hour. I regret the 5 years we had to spend apart, there were so much more we could have done together. Even now, everytime i think about you, i cant help but cry like crazy. I still remember how you smelt, the texture of your fur, your wet nose. You were such a fighter Monty, such a good dog. I truly miss you and I hope that one day we can meet again in some other dimension.

every single day

i yearn for a friend. a social status. i always want to be accepted by society. to be cool, popular, funny.

and because i had never achieved it, i keep on trying. i keep on looking and telling myself 'so far, so good. so far, so good. you're doing fine'
but im not. i hate myself. i hate how my mind work and how shallow and obnoxious i can be.

please, somebody, give me a sign. tell me that one day my inner child will wake up from this teenage body so i can start my life at the age of 7 again.

You know that one moment in your life, when you brain kinda froze for a split second, you cant hear anything in the world and you feel that whatever it is that's going on right in front of your very eyes isnt really happening? Well that happened to me last night and i still havent found a strong enough word to describe my feelings right then. To see someone I truly love - my own mother screaming in pain on the cold hard metal stairs - it felt like someone had put there hands around my neck and choking me with all their strengths. For a split second, i could not get any words out of my mouth. My brain didnt registered what had happened and the next thing i know my mouth had moved by itself and i screamed looking for a way to help my mum. Seeing her finger trapped between the barrister, and the blood and the panic i felt creeping all around my body. If I could, i would like to go back in time and told her to slow down before she ran down the stairs.
It made em glad to be living in england, the ambulance came just under one minute and followed on by another team of medics and fire rescue team. They had to pull the barrister away from the stair, my mum had fallen so fast that her little finger got caught between the small space between the stairs and the barrister that it was impossible to pull it out without seriously injuring her. As much as i wanted to, i could not look. I dont know how many times i cried that night, tears just came automatically. I hated seeing her in such pain that i had to keep blocking the image out, even now, i still cant believe what had happened to her. My heart has never beat so fast in my life and i had never felt so helpless. Good thign there was alot of people around because all i could do was just panicking and crying, over and over again.
Now my only hope is for her to get better and that nothing terrible will happen to her finger. Hopefully the worst part had gone...


I love you mum.

Hi!


hmmmm i just had spiced potato wedges with brown sauce&ketchup and damn it was guddddd. I've just realized that half the time, my brain are usually occupied with food, im either planning my food trip at lunch, nagging my mum about what im having for dinner or constantly munching on sweeeets. Life's good.
went to London yesterday to have a look at uni's. Scary times. I pushed UCAS and the thought of Uni to the side these past few months and it has finally caught up to me. Right now im panicking and shitting ma pants about where i want to go. I didnt go to any open days, i did book them but forgot about all of them and didnt turn up in the end. Yes, oops.

toay i had listen to a really boring guy/teacher talking about southampton university. He wasnt that boring but the guy didnt really know how to work powerpoint so we had to sit there for an hour and a half, all the way through lunch (THAT MADE ME PISSED) listening to him babbling on and saw like 5 pictures of the uni. Then i got so bored i stated touching my face and trying to feel all of the bones along my jaw line, around my nose, my eye socket and so on. And it made me realized how weird it is that although i could feel the hard surface of the bones under my skin, i would never be able to see it unless i was dead or got really injured and my bones poked out or something. That though kept me interested for a while. Oh oh and i did soemthing with my legs that made the space in between it look like a penis. DIAGRAM ;

i sat on a chair and my legs were doing a 90 degree, my feet was tucked under and when i looked down, my trainers made the space inbetween look like a penis and the trainers were the head. or something like that.


riiight now imt rying to download the whole of arrested developement on torrent (all 3 season) BUT IT SAYS IT WILL TAKE 3 DAYS. IT SAID THAT 4 DAYS AGO. i even deleted like half of my computer just so i could download the 4.5 gb file :( turned out i accidentally deleted alot of very important program like java and flash. I fail at technology ahahah


and one more thing, good night!

Hi


I ate cheesecake before my breakfast today, it wasn't the type with loads of blackcurrent on top which is my favorite, but it'll do. My breakfast is chicken soup with tomatoes, carrots, onions and it's taste like fucking heaven. A little piece of heaven my mum had made earlier last night. See? I am definitely a cunt for being such an insensitive daughter.
Anyway, I've been getting loads of rash lately around my tummy. It itches so much but despite the fact that I am always scratching away, I havent made an effort to stop the itch yet. Maybe i should moisturize more but that's just too much effort. Or maybe i enjoy it a little bit? it's kinda enjoyable in a way
''Scratching the itch that makes it feel good''
Im not quoting an Eels song just to prove to anyone that i have a 'varied taste in music, therefor, i am indy'


Anyway Im gonna go finish my chicken soup and maybe moisturize, and this isn't supposed to be italics, I dont know what happened. I fail at blogs.


P.S. This morning is beautiful